I’m Matt, the author of this blog spot. Life is, the long drawn out middle ground of experiences, between what is perceived by a majority, as the beginning and end, birth and death. It took me a long time to understand how life effects the present moment. I have spent most of my life so far, by thinking what the future holds for me.
My life experiences have been mostly a series of disappointments. These disappointments acted as motivation to keep living in the future tense. One disappointment lead to a contingency plan to avoid the same disappointment from re-occurring. My state of mind, became this way of thinking. It became my reality,. Little did I know that living in the future tense was anxiety, while the past regrets I held for the disappointments ,y anxiety lead to, was depression.
There have been times where I felt happy about where my life seemed to be headed. Times like these were short lived and preceded a seemingly life long feeling of unhappiness. I fell down what seemed like a bottomless pit at the beginning of 2013. I lost my job, the one thing that supported my idea of happiness. I had no means to support and maintain the masquerade most of us know to be happiness. I was addicted to the material idea of happiness, and naturally, I displaced the addiction to another material idea of happiness. I was becoming careless in who I affected, like a junkie trying to get their fix. I took things from people close to me so I could continue to maintain the lifestyle that my job used to support. I kept telling myself lies upon lies that made all this somehow seem like it was not immoral. By this stage, it was roughly half way through 2013. Many of my relationships were destroyed in this process, so I began to cling to whoever would give me their attention.
The relationships I had developed over the past 6 months became the only sources of positive affirmation, I had. I did not care that deep down, I knew that these sources were not genuine. I no longer had a means to support my extravagant lifestyle, so any thing that would make me feel good about my direction was worthy of my perception. After I lost my source of funding, I found a job, which I used to keep afloat the lifestyle I felt appropriate. The job only lasted 4 months, and by November 2013, I was back in a worse place than before. I had no source of stable income. The relationships I focused on had taken their turn for the worse. One of the people I shared a relationship with, was the victim of jealousy and launched an attack on my credibility.
I was not aware of the rumours until a while after they had began destroying my credibility. I had lost any faith I had left in my old friendships and let them go. One night, I decided it would be a good idea to take revenge on the person who was spreading these rumours, who was the same person that was once seeing my best friend at the time. The girl this person was seeing at the time, became victim to my anger. I egged her car. That same night, about an hour later, they arrived at my house where a fight broke out. I was tackled onto a table and fan. I was held down on the ground, strangled, and punched in the face. Somehow I managed to get up and pick him up and put him onto the lounge with my knee pressed into his chest so he couldn’t move. The fight was over, but the verbal assault was not. Eventually the police rocked up and managed to get them to leave and I went for a drive with one of my friends to cool off.
It was January 2014 when I decided it was time to set everything straight. I had decided to let go of all the lies, and became focused on the idea of truth. 26th of January 2014 was Australia day. There was a gathering which I attended. The day was going fine until one of my closest friends, became close with a guy who she had been with over a year ago. She would badmouth and discredit him all the time, but now all of a sudden, her attitude had changed. I tried to keep it to myself, but I got increasingly agitated by the what was happening.
Eventually, I lost my cool and started going on like a raving lunatic about the truth, and how everyone was all living a lie. I didn’t fully understand what I was saying at the time, coming across as jealous and insecure. I can’t deny that I was either of these things, however, I was being honest and acting in what I thought was the best interest of everyone including myself. I ended up drinking a hell of a lot. I was picked up and taken elsewhere, where I kept drinking and drinking and drinking until I could no longer handle my emotions, and went on a destructive walk through town. My new path of truth was not panning out how I had hoped. It was like I kept falling towards rock bottom, and rock bottom kept falling further away from me. I was sick of falling, I just wanted to hit the ground and die.
Somehow, I was accepted back into that circle. In the first week of February, we went to a nightclub where the last memory I have, is going to the bar and sculling a can of Jack Daniels at about 11pm. At 2:30am, I had somebody send everybody in my contact list, a Snapchat of me jumping over the fence into the river that ran behind the club. My blackout ended down the street from the club where I was walking back to my friends place. I got agitated that they had left me there, and turned around to go back and tell them what I thought. I didn’t know the time, but I thought it a good idea to take my anger out on the window of a shopfront. As I did, a bright light shone in my face, and the police called my name. I was arrested and let out a few hours later. I caught a bus back to where I was staying at my friends, got let in, and started drinking again. Finished off the bottle and then I caught a bus home where I spent the day feeling sorry for myself and getting abused for things I had said and done during my blackout stage.
Once more, I was allowed back into the circle I so desperately wanted to be a part of. Then came another night where we were all drinking. I blacked out again after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. I was pleasant until I blacked out. To this day, my friends refuse to tell me what happened and the things I said during this period. I regained consciousness at some early hour of the morning. I was laying in the gravel driveway of my friends house, with no shirt on. I was distressed and started yelling. Someone came out the front of the house and told me to shutup or there were going to be problems. I had no issue with starting a fight, so I told him to shutup and go inside, knowing full well what was about to happen. A fight broke out. I remember tackling this guy to the ground and then I blacked out again. Next thing I remember is the girl I was friends with, and the guy she was now seeing. He pulled her and she fell to the ground. Next thing I remember was being next to this guy on the ground, and hitting him in the side of the head. Blacked out again, and the next thing I remember, is being dragged by my neck, while being strangled and struggling for air, on my back down the driveway. All of a sudden, I heard him gasping, “let go! I can’t breathe,” as he let go of me. I had a conversation with my female friend, which did not entail the outcome I was hoping for, but it was the truth.
I finally hit rock bottom so I could start climbing back up. I found some direction in my life, and began studying. I met new friends and realised that the fear of the unknown, the fear of the darkness, was all that was holding me back. I wanted to stay in a comfortable bubble of lies. The moment I began looking for truth, was the moment I popped my own bubble. I wanted my bubble back, but the only thing that could numb the pain of the confronting truth, was alcohol. I relapsed a couple of times from there, where I fell back into the habit of lying to myself to form a comfortable bubble. Each time that bubble was forming, I got to a point where I couldn’t let it go any further, because I knew the path this bubble would lead me down, would lead me directly back to hell. I no longer live in a bubble. I’m exploring the darkness. Darkness has become intriguing, and all I’m finding now, is light.
I am not perfect, nor is anyone else. The moment I began focusing on the truth, marked the beginning of a new path. It is the path of self-reflection. Since then, I have learnt more about myself than ever before. I can sense a bad energy from a mile away, and now have a unique in dealing with these things. The path has in no way been easy. It’s been three years and four months since I began travelling this path. The right path is never easy, but working towards a long term gain, never is easy.
It is much easier to aim for short term pleasures like material wealth. However, short term wealth only attracts those who like you for the things you have rather than the person you are. Our souls are eternal, and eternity never ends. Three and a third years relevant to a lifetime is tiny. It might take me another ten or twenty years to reach my goal of enlightenment, however, relevant to eternity, it’s a very short term. I have learnt not to let my perception of the five senses dictate what life truly is. I have learnt that everything I sense is truly a lie in some way. The way I found truth was to deconstruct every belief I have ever been lead by somebody else to believe. There is truth in lies, and lies in the truth. Understand that, and life will come naturally.